Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
