If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
