his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
