This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
