Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
