is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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