I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
