he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
