dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
