apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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