I checked into jail on foursquare
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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