Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
