Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
