I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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