Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
