When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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