I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
