Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
