I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
