When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
