I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
