i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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