Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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