I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
