I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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