I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
