i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
