I'm so fucking centered right now
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
