you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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