I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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