I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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