i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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