Your mouth is God's brothel.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
