You're my little dorito
I'm passing your future prison.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
