I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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