I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
