Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
