I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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