I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
