Will you blow on my dice?
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
