Do you still have your period?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
