Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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