a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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