Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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