my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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