Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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