***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
