I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
