I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
