Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
