You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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