I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
How naked do you want me to be?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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